Thursday, June 22, 2006

Corporate Lemming News - Centaur Park Re-opens

Centaur Park gets ready for the summer season – from our man on the ground Filligree Poncencock

London's most celebrated centaur meeting place, 'Centaur Park' was officially opened for the summer yesterday in a ceremony attended by the City's top Centaurs.


With arses sticking out like shelves, some a full 12 inches deep, the head Centaurs made a series of dull, unfunny speeches, punctuated by insipid corporate babble that left the crowd braying for more.

Strutting cocks

Like a bunch of strutting cocks, the majority of the centaurs looked on, tucking into 'deli' sandwiches, 'food to go' and pre-packaged gack in an effort to increase shelf size. Those who weren't hungry just slurped on Macchicapuspressolatte Grandes, kindly supplied by the nearby 'On the Hoof' coffee shop.


Useless pieces of plastic, printed with company names were lapped up freely by the slavering centaurs who enjoyed a full 1 hour off work for the celebrations before trotting gamely back to their 'phones' and 'workstations'.

Centaur park is open daily and is also known as Finsbury Square Nr Moorgate.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Corporate Lemming News - NEWSFLASH - 07/06/06

Lemming pleasantries rejected
By our reporter Herbie Vorthree

Phrases today commonplace in our foyers and office complexes the world over are to be phased out in line with new behaviour studies that indicate that the laws of perpetual ignorance have been plaguing our workplaces since time immemorial.

Oh it was ok, thanks.

"How was your weekend?", "it's warm today isn't it?" and "what are you up to this evening?" are just some of the, mindless comments that pass for office interaction nowadays and top Lemming psychologist Gilbert Cockring is worried about the effect on our culture. "These freaks might as well be talking about paint that's already dry", he said, "Why can't they talk about something interesting.for a change, like sugar mice or the fundamentals of paleo-archeology.

And Yours?

He has a point, but for many, the thinly veiled drivel that is spouted across a million desks and phones everyday is fundamental to their 'way of life' and fits perfectly into their 'lifestyle choices'.

Bandied by Lemmings

Downtime, 'synergising creative flow' and 'muffin skunk' are just some of the terms now commonplace in our office buildings which are bandied around by lemmings in an effort to screen a distinct lack of social ability when talking to colleagues.

Cockrings tightening

Dr Cockring has tightened the rules of office engagement by supplying bosses and workers with new guidelines to help them adjust to a life without these banal pleasantries – phrases like 'No, actually I'm depressed", "you look terrible this morning" and "you f*cking w*nker" are said by Cockring to possess elements of what he calls, 'the utterable truth' – based on new-age philosophies from somewhere abroad.