Centaur Park gets ready for the summer season – from our man on the ground Filligree Poncencock
London's most celebrated centaur meeting place, 'Centaur Park' was officially opened for the summer yesterday in a ceremony attended by the City's top Centaurs.
Shelves
With arses sticking out like shelves, some a full 12 inches deep, the head Centaurs made a series of dull, unfunny speeches, punctuated by insipid corporate babble that left the crowd braying for more.
Strutting cocks
Like a bunch of strutting cocks, the majority of the centaurs looked on, tucking into 'deli' sandwiches, 'food to go' and pre-packaged gack in an effort to increase shelf size. Those who weren't hungry just slurped on Macchicapuspressolatte Grandes, kindly supplied by the nearby 'On the Hoof' coffee shop.
Useless
Useless pieces of plastic, printed with company names were lapped up freely by the slavering centaurs who enjoyed a full 1 hour off work for the celebrations before trotting gamely back to their 'phones' and 'workstations'.
Centaur park is open daily and is also known as Finsbury Square Nr Moorgate.
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Corporate Lemming News - NEWSFLASH - 07/06/06
Lemming pleasantries rejected
By our reporter Herbie Vorthree
Phrases today commonplace in our foyers and office complexes the world over are to be phased out in line with new behaviour studies that indicate that the laws of perpetual ignorance have been plaguing our workplaces since time immemorial.
Oh it was ok, thanks.
"How was your weekend?", "it's warm today isn't it?" and "what are you up to this evening?" are just some of the, mindless comments that pass for office interaction nowadays and top Lemming psychologist Gilbert Cockring is worried about the effect on our culture. "These freaks might as well be talking about paint that's already dry", he said, "Why can't they talk about something interesting.for a change, like sugar mice or the fundamentals of paleo-archeology.
And Yours?
He has a point, but for many, the thinly veiled drivel that is spouted across a million desks and phones everyday is fundamental to their 'way of life' and fits perfectly into their 'lifestyle choices'.
Bandied by Lemmings
Downtime, 'synergising creative flow' and 'muffin skunk' are just some of the terms now commonplace in our office buildings which are bandied around by lemmings in an effort to screen a distinct lack of social ability when talking to colleagues.
Cockrings tightening
Dr Cockring has tightened the rules of office engagement by supplying bosses and workers with new guidelines to help them adjust to a life without these banal pleasantries – phrases like 'No, actually I'm depressed", "you look terrible this morning" and "you f*cking w*nker" are said by Cockring to possess elements of what he calls, 'the utterable truth' – based on new-age philosophies from somewhere abroad.
By our reporter Herbie Vorthree
Phrases today commonplace in our foyers and office complexes the world over are to be phased out in line with new behaviour studies that indicate that the laws of perpetual ignorance have been plaguing our workplaces since time immemorial.
Oh it was ok, thanks.
"How was your weekend?", "it's warm today isn't it?" and "what are you up to this evening?" are just some of the, mindless comments that pass for office interaction nowadays and top Lemming psychologist Gilbert Cockring is worried about the effect on our culture. "These freaks might as well be talking about paint that's already dry", he said, "Why can't they talk about something interesting.for a change, like sugar mice or the fundamentals of paleo-archeology.
And Yours?
He has a point, but for many, the thinly veiled drivel that is spouted across a million desks and phones everyday is fundamental to their 'way of life' and fits perfectly into their 'lifestyle choices'.
Bandied by Lemmings
Downtime, 'synergising creative flow' and 'muffin skunk' are just some of the terms now commonplace in our office buildings which are bandied around by lemmings in an effort to screen a distinct lack of social ability when talking to colleagues.
Cockrings tightening
Dr Cockring has tightened the rules of office engagement by supplying bosses and workers with new guidelines to help them adjust to a life without these banal pleasantries – phrases like 'No, actually I'm depressed", "you look terrible this morning" and "you f*cking w*nker" are said by Cockring to possess elements of what he calls, 'the utterable truth' – based on new-age philosophies from somewhere abroad.
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Misanthropy Thread #2
This ones in time to Morning Has Broken - that fine hymn- and contains some obscure, though fascinating references that may be tracked via complex signals and signs in a kind of 'Da Vinci code' type manner in the Sunday supplement magazine adverts for lifelike dolls and plates with pictures of Native American chiefs on called 'Spirit of the Breath of the Howling Wolf of Time' - or somesuch. Good luck on your quest...
The Centaurs are here, they are everywhere and they run our world. This is their song.
Centaurs awaken, Centaurs of London
Prepare for the journey, onward we march
Stick out your arse cheeks, stick out your headsets
Let everyone know what an arsehole you are
Marching together, a flotsam of losers
Centaurs are trotting, millions strong
Arses like sofas, manners like goats they
Chatter and scoff like the insects they are
Mine is the Centaur, mine is the Lemming
Born of the skunks arse out from the beak
Snorting their powder, flashing their plastic
These jokers need culling, pass me the sword.
The Centaurs are here, they are everywhere and they run our world. This is their song.
Centaurs awaken, Centaurs of London
Prepare for the journey, onward we march
Stick out your arse cheeks, stick out your headsets
Let everyone know what an arsehole you are
Marching together, a flotsam of losers
Centaurs are trotting, millions strong
Arses like sofas, manners like goats they
Chatter and scoff like the insects they are
Mine is the Centaur, mine is the Lemming
Born of the skunks arse out from the beak
Snorting their powder, flashing their plastic
These jokers need culling, pass me the sword.
Misanthropy thread #1
London's new work song - To the tune of When I'm 64.
Dressed in a suit and holding a flag
Humming corporate tunes
We march every morning to the beat of the drums
With a raft of jokers under company thumbs
Blindly we troop like we're already dead
Jostling for space
Last night's television fresh in our minds
Arse's sticking out like centaurs behinds
Chattering madly to no-one at all
On our little head-sets
Laughing in public like bleating lambs
Hanging in the tube like sides of ham
You will know us when we march on
To our destiny
Squeaking like lemmings as we jump as one
Over the edge to kingdom come
We are the flotsam, we are the jetsam
Push us if you can, oh yeah
We are the flotsam, we are the jetsam
Push us if you can.
Dressed in a suit and holding a flag
Humming corporate tunes
We march every morning to the beat of the drums
With a raft of jokers under company thumbs
Blindly we troop like we're already dead
Jostling for space
Last night's television fresh in our minds
Arse's sticking out like centaurs behinds
Chattering madly to no-one at all
On our little head-sets
Laughing in public like bleating lambs
Hanging in the tube like sides of ham
You will know us when we march on
To our destiny
Squeaking like lemmings as we jump as one
Over the edge to kingdom come
We are the flotsam, we are the jetsam
Push us if you can, oh yeah
We are the flotsam, we are the jetsam
Push us if you can.
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