Sunday, August 05, 2007
DJ Koza rips up garden party
The Koza has been doing some DJing down at the Secret Garden Party in Cambridgeshire.
After signing autographs at the 'Pagoda', Koza played a diverse set that included 'Kozmir' by Led Zeppelin, 'Clever Koza' by Ian Dury and the Blockheads and the finale 'Goat El it on the Mountain' by an unknown redneck banjo player. A fine hoedown was had by all.
After dancing with revellers, the Koza was then strangled with bunting and mobbed before being whisked into the waiting car. He was lucky to escape with only one minor injury and a small nail should fix that.
His next engagement is at The Green Man Festival in Wales.
"Play the one about the Green Eyed-Monster" - The Koza and his humble assistant Zarebski
Impersonations were, of course, common, but no-one does Koza like Koza.
"Excuse me, you're strangling the DJ"
"Gasping for breath after the bunting ordeal. Concerned onlookers wonder about medical assistance but he's up and
about in no time.
After signing autographs at the 'Pagoda', Koza played a diverse set that included 'Kozmir' by Led Zeppelin, 'Clever Koza' by Ian Dury and the Blockheads and the finale 'Goat El it on the Mountain' by an unknown redneck banjo player. A fine hoedown was had by all.
After dancing with revellers, the Koza was then strangled with bunting and mobbed before being whisked into the waiting car. He was lucky to escape with only one minor injury and a small nail should fix that.
His next engagement is at The Green Man Festival in Wales.
"Play the one about the Green Eyed-Monster" - The Koza and his humble assistant Zarebski
Impersonations were, of course, common, but no-one does Koza like Koza.
"Excuse me, you're strangling the DJ"
"Gasping for breath after the bunting ordeal. Concerned onlookers wonder about medical assistance but he's up and
about in no time.
Thursday, May 03, 2007
The coming of a new age. The age of the Koza.
The story of the Koza is long and winding, and for another time. Suffice to say that the first one published below was the spark for a journey that would take me into the depths of the Polish countryside looking for it's creator. When I found him I asked him if he would make another Koza for me. He did and one year later I returned to Poland to meet him and bring him home. Together we returned to England to allow him to sample life away from the windswept plains of Southern Poland.
His coming is significant, and marks nothing less than the beginning of a new religion. He is all knowing, all powerful and he is so beautifully daft, he will blow you away.
I need not ask for your silence, nor for your reverence. He demands it in ways unsaid and unheard. He is your master. He is the Koza - you need search no more.
In the arms of his maker, the Polish folk artist genius, Mr Josef Hulka.
In the departure lounge at Katowice airport the waiter asked him what he was having. He had the usual of course, a shot of the finest polish vodka with a side-salad of apple, cress and tea towels.
Heading for England, the Koza sees clouds from above for the first time.
Arrival....excitement and disbelief after having been locked in the aircraft toilet for take-off and landing.
The Koza is at rest for a few weeks before heading out into London for a series of state functions and happenings. More of his adventures and his incredible life story to follow soon. Stay tuned.
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
Overhearings from the belly of the beast
"I fired off an e-mail to see what the state-of-play was"
"Our customers need a solution that works"
"We manage expectations, but nobody's managing our expectations"
"We currently have 50 engineers working on the problem"
"I'm in a position to prioritise these actions"
"Could you just pop-up the actual, physical website"
'Just gotta get some brain food'
"Less Jar-Jar, less 3PO - good for me"
"I'm hearing good mood music about it but there's no point stirring the mud'
"Our customers need a solution that works"
"We manage expectations, but nobody's managing our expectations"
"We currently have 50 engineers working on the problem"
"I'm in a position to prioritise these actions"
"Could you just pop-up the actual, physical website"
'Just gotta get some brain food'
"Less Jar-Jar, less 3PO - good for me"
"I'm hearing good mood music about it but there's no point stirring the mud'
Nightmare on Liverpool Street
A half-witted bunch of PR turnips are recovering tonight after a terrifying ordeal at the hands of a rival gang of office mutants.
Expensive drinks
Given confidence by ‘expensive drinks’ and ‘finger food’, the mutants, fresh from a wasteful and useless ‘exercise’ baited the turnips as they came through the gates at the famed eastend station.
Nibbles
Some turnips splintered and ran for a nearby buffet bar while others, emboldened by sanctimonious drivel and smug hype, decided to take the fight to the mutants and taunted them with a barrage of ringtones and hold music.
Who is who?
A half-witted bunch of PR turnips are recovering tonight after a terrifying ordeal at the hands of a rival gang of office mutants.
Expensive drinks
Given confidence by ‘expensive drinks’ and ‘finger food’, the mutants, fresh from a wasteful and useless ‘exercise’ baited the turnips as they came through the gates at the famed eastend station.
Nibbles
Some turnips splintered and ran for a nearby buffet bar while others, emboldened by sanctimonious drivel and smug hype, decided to take the fight to the mutants and taunted them with a barrage of ringtones and hold music.
Who is who?
The mutenips ran for cover, only to find gaggles of corphags waiting at the entrance, some with corporate ladders in their tights. The corphags joined the fight and station guards were called to break up the ruckus. Two of the turnips where seen trapped in the gates to the tube, bleating like sheep that their ‘oysters’ didn’t work.
Order was restored by laying on cheap wine and plastic food at an overlit, garish and downright hideous coffee emporium nearby.
Resignation letter
If you must quit your mindless career to grow organic vegetables in Somerset,
at least do it with some feeling.
Simply fill in the blanks, sign and deliver by hand.
Dear ……..,
Please accept this letter as an indication of two month's notice of me leaving the …….. Pond. I have become utterly sick of the mindless drivel that passes for conversation in here and in the past year have almost commited suicide due to the archaic and draconian bullshit that has been bulldozed in my direction. I wish to state, furthermore, that ………. is akin to a silage pit full of worms during a particularly hot summer, festering like an open wound on the side of the earth. I hope you agree.
Please accept this letter as an indication of two month's notice of me leaving the …….. Pond. I have become utterly sick of the mindless drivel that passes for conversation in here and in the past year have almost commited suicide due to the archaic and draconian bullshit that has been bulldozed in my direction. I wish to state, furthermore, that ………. is akin to a silage pit full of worms during a particularly hot summer, festering like an open wound on the side of the earth. I hope you agree.
I would like to take this golden opportunity to wish you all the best in your daily search for clams and would like to make you a gift of this framed print entitled, ' The Wanking Walrus'.
Yours faithlessly etc,
...................................
Plum Sawing
18th Plum-Sawing Championships kick off in style.
From our reporter S.K Marks
Special 'gilt-edged' towels will be used at this years annual Plum-Sawing Championships, being held deep in the cleft of the Peach Mountain range of Southern England.
The towels have raised eyebrows in the plum-sawing fraternity since they were introduced in open competition in 1996. Many competitors claim that the Ooh factor is diminished by the edging as it 'rides up' too easily. These claims have been dismissed by the German manufacturers Giltenbotton Plomhack who claim no ill effects from prolonged sawing. Spokesperson Holda Clench issued a statement to the press yesterday claiming "Our towels comply to international Plum-Sawing specifications. The gilt edging is there to give the spectators and judges a 'clean line' of sight along the towel and to increase the 'yelp factor' for competitors".
Yelping
Competitors will be judged on the 5 golden disciplines of strenuousness, depth of towel, leg height, sighing and yelping and will be marked by a team of expert judges flown in from across the world. Top judge Wilhelm Grape was confident of a high level of competition. "It should be pretty interesting , many of the new crop of sawers should be hitting the right spots this year", he said, tugging at his cleft and wistfully looking into the distance. Sighing plaintively will probably be the major battleground though a willingness to show mild gratification whilst sawing will also score heavily.
Foxtails
The towels have raised eyebrows in the plum-sawing fraternity since they were introduced in open competition in 1996. Many competitors claim that the Ooh factor is diminished by the edging as it 'rides up' too easily. These claims have been dismissed by the German manufacturers Giltenbotton Plomhack who claim no ill effects from prolonged sawing. Spokesperson Holda Clench issued a statement to the press yesterday claiming "Our towels comply to international Plum-Sawing specifications. The gilt edging is there to give the spectators and judges a 'clean line' of sight along the towel and to increase the 'yelp factor' for competitors".
Yelping
Competitors will be judged on the 5 golden disciplines of strenuousness, depth of towel, leg height, sighing and yelping and will be marked by a team of expert judges flown in from across the world. Top judge Wilhelm Grape was confident of a high level of competition. "It should be pretty interesting , many of the new crop of sawers should be hitting the right spots this year", he said, tugging at his cleft and wistfully looking into the distance. Sighing plaintively will probably be the major battleground though a willingness to show mild gratification whilst sawing will also score heavily.
Foxtails
Judges will be on the lookout this year for illegal 'foxtailing'. Last year 7 top competitors, mostly from the UK were disqualified for this revolting practice that has been dubbed, the 'arse-end' of the sport. Stakes are usually high on the underground circuit and many plum-sawing wannabes are lured into the shadowy world of foxtailing for the money and free towels.
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Corporate Lemming News - Centaur Park Re-opens
Centaur Park gets ready for the summer season – from our man on the ground Filligree Poncencock
London's most celebrated centaur meeting place, 'Centaur Park' was officially opened for the summer yesterday in a ceremony attended by the City's top Centaurs.
Shelves
With arses sticking out like shelves, some a full 12 inches deep, the head Centaurs made a series of dull, unfunny speeches, punctuated by insipid corporate babble that left the crowd braying for more.
Strutting cocks
Like a bunch of strutting cocks, the majority of the centaurs looked on, tucking into 'deli' sandwiches, 'food to go' and pre-packaged gack in an effort to increase shelf size. Those who weren't hungry just slurped on Macchicapuspressolatte Grandes, kindly supplied by the nearby 'On the Hoof' coffee shop.
Useless
Useless pieces of plastic, printed with company names were lapped up freely by the slavering centaurs who enjoyed a full 1 hour off work for the celebrations before trotting gamely back to their 'phones' and 'workstations'.
Centaur park is open daily and is also known as Finsbury Square Nr Moorgate.
London's most celebrated centaur meeting place, 'Centaur Park' was officially opened for the summer yesterday in a ceremony attended by the City's top Centaurs.
Shelves
With arses sticking out like shelves, some a full 12 inches deep, the head Centaurs made a series of dull, unfunny speeches, punctuated by insipid corporate babble that left the crowd braying for more.
Strutting cocks
Like a bunch of strutting cocks, the majority of the centaurs looked on, tucking into 'deli' sandwiches, 'food to go' and pre-packaged gack in an effort to increase shelf size. Those who weren't hungry just slurped on Macchicapuspressolatte Grandes, kindly supplied by the nearby 'On the Hoof' coffee shop.
Useless
Useless pieces of plastic, printed with company names were lapped up freely by the slavering centaurs who enjoyed a full 1 hour off work for the celebrations before trotting gamely back to their 'phones' and 'workstations'.
Centaur park is open daily and is also known as Finsbury Square Nr Moorgate.
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Corporate Lemming News - NEWSFLASH - 07/06/06
Lemming pleasantries rejected
By our reporter Herbie Vorthree
Phrases today commonplace in our foyers and office complexes the world over are to be phased out in line with new behaviour studies that indicate that the laws of perpetual ignorance have been plaguing our workplaces since time immemorial.
Oh it was ok, thanks.
"How was your weekend?", "it's warm today isn't it?" and "what are you up to this evening?" are just some of the, mindless comments that pass for office interaction nowadays and top Lemming psychologist Gilbert Cockring is worried about the effect on our culture. "These freaks might as well be talking about paint that's already dry", he said, "Why can't they talk about something interesting.for a change, like sugar mice or the fundamentals of paleo-archeology.
And Yours?
He has a point, but for many, the thinly veiled drivel that is spouted across a million desks and phones everyday is fundamental to their 'way of life' and fits perfectly into their 'lifestyle choices'.
Bandied by Lemmings
Downtime, 'synergising creative flow' and 'muffin skunk' are just some of the terms now commonplace in our office buildings which are bandied around by lemmings in an effort to screen a distinct lack of social ability when talking to colleagues.
Cockrings tightening
Dr Cockring has tightened the rules of office engagement by supplying bosses and workers with new guidelines to help them adjust to a life without these banal pleasantries – phrases like 'No, actually I'm depressed", "you look terrible this morning" and "you f*cking w*nker" are said by Cockring to possess elements of what he calls, 'the utterable truth' – based on new-age philosophies from somewhere abroad.
By our reporter Herbie Vorthree
Phrases today commonplace in our foyers and office complexes the world over are to be phased out in line with new behaviour studies that indicate that the laws of perpetual ignorance have been plaguing our workplaces since time immemorial.
Oh it was ok, thanks.
"How was your weekend?", "it's warm today isn't it?" and "what are you up to this evening?" are just some of the, mindless comments that pass for office interaction nowadays and top Lemming psychologist Gilbert Cockring is worried about the effect on our culture. "These freaks might as well be talking about paint that's already dry", he said, "Why can't they talk about something interesting.for a change, like sugar mice or the fundamentals of paleo-archeology.
And Yours?
He has a point, but for many, the thinly veiled drivel that is spouted across a million desks and phones everyday is fundamental to their 'way of life' and fits perfectly into their 'lifestyle choices'.
Bandied by Lemmings
Downtime, 'synergising creative flow' and 'muffin skunk' are just some of the terms now commonplace in our office buildings which are bandied around by lemmings in an effort to screen a distinct lack of social ability when talking to colleagues.
Cockrings tightening
Dr Cockring has tightened the rules of office engagement by supplying bosses and workers with new guidelines to help them adjust to a life without these banal pleasantries – phrases like 'No, actually I'm depressed", "you look terrible this morning" and "you f*cking w*nker" are said by Cockring to possess elements of what he calls, 'the utterable truth' – based on new-age philosophies from somewhere abroad.
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Misanthropy Thread #2
This ones in time to Morning Has Broken - that fine hymn- and contains some obscure, though fascinating references that may be tracked via complex signals and signs in a kind of 'Da Vinci code' type manner in the Sunday supplement magazine adverts for lifelike dolls and plates with pictures of Native American chiefs on called 'Spirit of the Breath of the Howling Wolf of Time' - or somesuch. Good luck on your quest...
The Centaurs are here, they are everywhere and they run our world. This is their song.
Centaurs awaken, Centaurs of London
Prepare for the journey, onward we march
Stick out your arse cheeks, stick out your headsets
Let everyone know what an arsehole you are
Marching together, a flotsam of losers
Centaurs are trotting, millions strong
Arses like sofas, manners like goats they
Chatter and scoff like the insects they are
Mine is the Centaur, mine is the Lemming
Born of the skunks arse out from the beak
Snorting their powder, flashing their plastic
These jokers need culling, pass me the sword.
The Centaurs are here, they are everywhere and they run our world. This is their song.
Centaurs awaken, Centaurs of London
Prepare for the journey, onward we march
Stick out your arse cheeks, stick out your headsets
Let everyone know what an arsehole you are
Marching together, a flotsam of losers
Centaurs are trotting, millions strong
Arses like sofas, manners like goats they
Chatter and scoff like the insects they are
Mine is the Centaur, mine is the Lemming
Born of the skunks arse out from the beak
Snorting their powder, flashing their plastic
These jokers need culling, pass me the sword.
Misanthropy thread #1
London's new work song - To the tune of When I'm 64.
Dressed in a suit and holding a flag
Humming corporate tunes
We march every morning to the beat of the drums
With a raft of jokers under company thumbs
Blindly we troop like we're already dead
Jostling for space
Last night's television fresh in our minds
Arse's sticking out like centaurs behinds
Chattering madly to no-one at all
On our little head-sets
Laughing in public like bleating lambs
Hanging in the tube like sides of ham
You will know us when we march on
To our destiny
Squeaking like lemmings as we jump as one
Over the edge to kingdom come
We are the flotsam, we are the jetsam
Push us if you can, oh yeah
We are the flotsam, we are the jetsam
Push us if you can.
Dressed in a suit and holding a flag
Humming corporate tunes
We march every morning to the beat of the drums
With a raft of jokers under company thumbs
Blindly we troop like we're already dead
Jostling for space
Last night's television fresh in our minds
Arse's sticking out like centaurs behinds
Chattering madly to no-one at all
On our little head-sets
Laughing in public like bleating lambs
Hanging in the tube like sides of ham
You will know us when we march on
To our destiny
Squeaking like lemmings as we jump as one
Over the edge to kingdom come
We are the flotsam, we are the jetsam
Push us if you can, oh yeah
We are the flotsam, we are the jetsam
Push us if you can.
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