Towns Flood in Xmas Atmos Aftermath Apocalypse
From our Christmas correspondent Michael Mass
It’s after Christmas again and
all over the country people rush to buy things after the one-day break from
buying things. Sweeping into ‘chain
stores’ and ‘the high street’ like flotsam-packed floodwater people entranced
by the ‘magic of Christmas’ rush to spend all they have on whatever they can
get, often wasting valuable ‘time’, in the process.
Eek Out
Emboldened by news of ‘current
retail spend index news’ and mesmerised by the ‘smart-particles’ buzzing around
on adverts, many individuals wander into stores, hoping to eek out a variation
in price or style that will place them above their competitors – many of whom
they don’t know or have never met. Barging through groups of young children and
‘old people’ and retreating back to their homes or ‘goods caches’, this flotsam
laps at the edges of existence like an oily slick slapping against a harbour
wall.
Human sandbags
A small minority, mostly
sheltering in irrelevant ‘rural’ areas
have argued for a different take on Christmas, but have thankfully been drowned
out by the crackle and buzz of the Xmas consumer fever. This year, Jed Squib
from the group Human Sandbags Against Commerce (HSBC) has rallied his team to
stand up against the tide – with no results. Said Squib, “All three of us feel
strongly about this and our recent action at the Worcester Clintons showed we can do it, our human
sandbags stopped at least 5 people from entering the store”
Smiling Drone
Analysis retail Paul Shit from
the tank think, Patent Spending viewed
the issues this Christmas as particularly noteworthy in the unbridled greed
stakes. “The bridles off now, let’s ride the twin horses of fate and destiny
into the chasm of useless gack”, he stated as he handed his credit card to
another smiling drone.