Towns Flood in Xmas Atmos Aftermath Apocalypse
From our Christmas correspondent Michael Mass
It’s after Christmas again and all over the country people rush to buy things after the one-day break from buying things. Sweeping into ‘chain stores’ and ‘the high street’ like flotsam-packed floodwater people entranced by the ‘magic of Christmas’ rush to spend all they have on whatever they can get, often wasting valuable ‘time’, in the process.
Emboldened by news of ‘current retail spend index news’ and mesmerised by the ‘smart-particles’ buzzing around on adverts, many individuals wander into stores, hoping to eek out a variation in price or style that will place them above their competitors – many of whom they don’t know or have never met. Barging through groups of young children and ‘old people’ and retreating back to their homes or ‘goods caches’, this flotsam laps at the edges of existence like an oily slick slapping against a harbour wall.
A small minority, mostly sheltering in irrelevant ‘rural’ areas have argued for a different take on Christmas, but have thankfully been drowned out by the crackle and buzz of the Xmas consumer fever. This year, Jed Squib from the group Human Sandbags Against Commerce (HSBC) has rallied his team to stand up against the tide – with no results. Said Squib, “All three of us feel strongly about this and our recent action at the Worcester Clintons showed we can do it, our human sandbags stopped at least 5 people from entering the store”
Analysis retail Paul Shit from the tank think, Patent Spending viewed the issues this Christmas as particularly noteworthy in the unbridled greed stakes. “The bridles off now, let’s ride the twin horses of fate and destiny into the chasm of useless gack”, he stated as he handed his credit card to another smiling drone.