Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Plum Sawing

18th Plum-Sawing Championships kick off in style.
From our reporter S.K Marks
Special 'gilt-edged' towels will be used at this years annual Plum-Sawing Championships, being held deep in the cleft of the Peach Mountain range of Southern England.

The towels have raised eyebrows in the plum-sawing fraternity since they were introduced in open competition in 1996. Many competitors claim that the Ooh factor is diminished by the edging as it 'rides up' too easily. These claims have been dismissed by the German manufacturers Giltenbotton Plomhack who claim no ill effects from prolonged sawing. Spokesperson Holda Clench issued a statement to the press yesterday claiming "Our towels comply to international Plum-Sawing specifications. The gilt edging is there to give the spectators and judges a 'clean line' of sight along the towel and to increase the 'yelp factor' for competitors".


Competitors will be judged on the 5 golden disciplines of strenuousness, depth of towel, leg height, sighing and yelping and will be marked by a team of expert judges flown in from across the world. Top judge Wilhelm Grape was confident of a high level of competition. "It should be pretty interesting , many of the new crop of sawers should be hitting the right spots this year", he said, tugging at his cleft and wistfully looking into the distance. Sighing plaintively will probably be the major battleground though a willingness to show mild gratification whilst sawing will also score heavily.


Judges will be on the lookout this year for illegal 'foxtailing'. Last year 7 top competitors, mostly from the UK were disqualified for this revolting practice that has been dubbed, the 'arse-end' of the sport. Stakes are usually high on the underground circuit and many plum-sawing wannabes are lured into the shadowy world of foxtailing for the money and free towels.

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